Act I (sing to the tune of ‘I Dreamed A Dream’)
I’ve seen Les Mis versions go by,
Starring Messrs Laughton and Neeson.
Now to the screen, ‘mid baited sigh,
Comes the massive West End sensation.
Starring Wolverine as Valjean,
A man imprisoned, beat and detested.
Thus starts a story good ‘n long,
So please keep up; make sure you’re rested.
Big Russell Crowe is the law,
but he makes an awful blunder.
Valjean escapes Crowe’s moral maw,
And gives himself a new naaaaaaAAAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEE! *vocal chords pop*
He becomes wealthy, full of pride.
He fills his factory with poor dames.
Such as Anne Hath’way, but she’s fired
And then steals all our hearts away.
And so Oscar will come to her.
Fantine got soul, goes hell for leather.
Jackman’s good too, and so this twofer
Help overcome stormier weather.
I had a dream this film would be
So different from this one they star in,
‘cause lest you’ve seen it live, it seems
you’re doomed to have naught but dreams.
Act II (sing to the tune of ‘Master of the House’)
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet Hooper, big director in town.
He got an Oscar for not too much;
Firth’s stammer made him pick of the bunch.
So it came to be,
After his glory,
Hooper laid his new bet,
And opted to be
Master of Les Mis, newly golden gilt,
Ready with a shaky-cam and a Dutch tilt.
Tells an epic tale, as Crowe’s obsessive cop
Rues the day he ever met that escaped fop.
Valjean hunts down Fantine’s young’un.
Bonham Carter adds some spice,
As does Baron Cohen,
Selling little Cosette for a high price!
Master of Les Mis, the pacing is times two
Room for lots of singing but naught else gets through.
Wasting lots of time as the plot struggles for breath,
On stage it’s great, but on the screen it feels like death.
Everybody loves a sing-song,
But it kills the plot and pace.
Hoop does whatever pleases.
Jesus! Take the camera from my face!
Master of Les Mis, quick to catch yer eye
with weak CGI backgrounds that sting like a stye.
It boasts a stagey look (At the fans’ behest?).
At times it looks passable, at others it’s a mess.
As for the final rebellion,
It’s especially denied,
The epic scope it needed,
Jesus! ‘Cause the camera’s in my face!
Act III (sing to the tune of ‘Do You Hear The People Sing?’)
Did you hear these actors sing
Live on set? It sounds impressive.
It is the music that’s the key here,
Since the story’s depressing!
While Russell Crowe tries his best,
Jackman won’t be put to the test,
But Eddie Redmayne does impress,
When the last act comes!
Redmayne’s noble Marius,
adores the now grown-up Cosette,
Even though only once
Is the number of times they met.
Amanda Seyfried is Cosette,
a chipmunk in a dress!
At two hours thirty-eight,
It will stretch bladders and patience,
The final act sees guns ablazing
On the streets that are clearly sets.
The songs are what’s foregrounded here;
foreknowledge is your best ally.
Otherwise you’ll long for a beer
When the last act comes!
So you hear these actors sing,
Singing the songs for Mackintosh.
Karaoke would have been cheaper,
But there’s talent among the dross.
Major award bait rarely comes
As obvious as this Les Mis.
Unless you adored the stage show, best
Give it a miss!